Wednesday, 12 December 2012

blogging about blogging

Despite the fact that this little corner of teh interwebz has only 2 dozen or so posts, I am not a noob at this. I blogged for 5 year under another name, on another topic, in another country. Part of the reason I started THIS blog is that I wanted wider scope to discuss things like politics and religion and gender-issues and basically give my bad-ass, loud, opinionated bitch a platform from where I could rant maniacally about, well, anything.

It's pretty hard to voice your utter, deep, pathological disgust at batshit crazy white men Republican policies, or rave about the blame culture of rape, on a food blog.

So, when I started MM, I decided I wanted it to be warts and all, balls to the wall about stuff I find interesting. Interspersed with the occasional recipe and an update on Vop. I wanted it be be exactly what it says up there in the header. Part Mommy blog, part travelogue. Part femiNazi ranting, part resource.

And here's the thing. I've been brutally true to that over the past year.

But now?

You see, something's come up. Something big. Something that changes my world. Something that's left me battered and bruised and lying bleeding in the gutter.

And I don't have the guts to blog about It.

If you've seen "Julie and Julia", you may remember the scene where she and her husband have an argument, and he begins to blog about it, and then deletes it. Because a) her marital woes aren't relevant to a food blog and b) as bloggers we often share too much. Open ourselves up to ridicule. And some of us choose to only share the good and the funny.

But when I started MM, I didn't want to BE that sort of blogger. I wanted to talk about the good and the bad and the utterly soul-numbing HARDNESS of living in Lae/adopting Vop/being a woman up here.

And I thought I was doing it. And doing it well.

Until the past 10 days.

It's partly the hoary old chestnut of "If I say It out loud, it becomes real", but it's much more than that. I speaks to the very heart of what this blog is about. It speaks to the heart of who I thought I was up here.

I truly don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut if It marginalizes me within the Mommy/expat/PNG blogging community. I've never proscribed to assign myself any of those labels. It's not that which holds me back.

I'm not too sure what it is, but every time I've pressed that "new post" button to write about It, my soul has fled through my eyes, and left me bereft.

I have lost my edges. I can't remember where my 'me' ends and the rest of the world begins. My margins are as blurred as my tear-wrecked vision. Words that used to flow from my fingers in bright, sharp streams simply won't come when I try to write about It.

It even has a capital letter when I think about It.

No, the Husbang hasn't had an affair. That would be a would down a primrose-fucking-path compared to It.

So, if I can't write about It, how can I write/blog about ANYTHING? This isn't a food blog, wherein it's not important to mention extraneous "stuff".

This is a blog about Vop and Lae and expatting and adoption and fighting misogyny up here and. well, read the goddamn header, or a post or two, and you'll see.

This blog is simply about me.

And It has taken the me I thought I was and broken it into a thousand sharp shards which, instead of glittering with hope and promise, lie dull and bereft.

And I have no energy to gather them up to myself and put them back together.

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