Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Girly talk

Ok blokes, bugger off for a minute and let the ladies have a quiet word.

Let's talk about boils.

Yep, you read that right.


Not just big pimples, blind ones, but boils as big as plums.

In your lady garden.

Or, as in my current case, under my arm pit.

There a fact of life up here. Learn to wear cotton knickers and ditch the cute lacy G's. G's just rub the wrong spots and make matters worse.

You can also forget about trimming up the garden, unless of course you can spen the next 24 hours with the garden airing in an airconditioned room, cos razor rash is the leading cause of boils in yer nethers.

At the first sign of a boil, get thee onto some antibiotics. Augmentin Forte is available here over the counter. Ase industrial strength pain killers. Get some of those, you're going to need them.

Now, you can just sit around and let the drugs do their magic, or you can help them along a bit. I prefer the beer bottle method.

Take a stubbie of SP beer and drink it. While Husbang is preparing the rest of the show, skoll a bottle of vodka. Get Husbang to fill empty beer bottle with boiling water. Empty out water and then immedietly place the mouth of the stubbie over the 'eye' of the boil. Physics and vacuum pressure will do the rest.Try not to pass out.

Don't think about it too much, ok. Just trust me on this.

Other options are letting some local Doctor with grubby fingernails and a clear lack of sterilizing equipment at it. Or even one of your haus staff.. all of which have 'proven' remedies for dealing with boils the village way. I once saw this done, and it involved going into the garden, and getting a seed plant from some random grass, and JABBING said seed pod into the middle of a suppurating tropical ulcer and pulling out the 'core'. But unless you're prepared to show your flowa boi or your haus mari your personal pink parts, this is to be used only as a last resort.

And here's the thing. We all talk about it. About our labial boils, our gastro symptoms, our under-boob ulcers. Because, unlike home, these things are pretty much a fact of life up here.

Here's a snippet from a conversation I overheard last week between two VERY chi-chi pooh-pooh executive wives up here:

"No, she didn't come to the meeting, because she's got another boil"
"Really? Another? Didn't she have one on her butt crack last week?"
"Yep, that's why she didn't come. Can't sit down, poor thing."
"And she's just got over that nasty explosive gastro, too?"
"Yes, I had that, too. It was horrible, Couldn't leave the house for three days. Didn't dare"

Again, I say unto thee. Lae. NOT for the faint-hearted.

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